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Your guilty consciences may make you vote Democratic, but secretly you all yearn for a Republican president to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king! Kids, kids. I’m not going to die. That only happens to bad people.

Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it. Oh, I’m in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don’t have to listen to myself. I’m drunk. Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.

That’s why I love elementary school.

I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn. Here’s to alcohol, the cause of — and solution to — all life’s problems. I’m allergic to bee stings. They cause me to, uh, die. Oh, I’m in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don’t have to listen to myself. I’m drunk.

  1. I hope I didn’t brain my damage.
  2. Can’t you people take the law into your own hands? I mean, we can’t be policing the entire city!
  3. What’s the point of going out? We’re just going to wind up back here anyway.

Bart, with $10,000 we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love!

Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark. Kids, kids. I’m not going to die. That only happens to bad people. Homer no function beer well without. How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.

  • Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.
  • I’m allergic to bee stings. They cause me to, uh, die.
  • Brace yourselves gentlemen. According to the gas chromatograph, the secret ingredient is… Love!? Who’s been screwing with this thing?

That’s why I love elementary school, Edna. The children believe anything you tell them. The Internet King? I wonder if he could provide faster nudity… Get ready, skanks! It’s time for the truth train!

Thank you, steal again. I didn’t think it was physically possible, but this both sucks *and* blows. Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs. Kids, we need to talk for a moment about Krusty Brand Chew Goo Gum Like Substance. We all knew it contained spider eggs, but the hantavirus? That came out of left field. So if you’re experiencing numbness and/or comas, send five dollars to antidote, PO box…

Fire can be our friend; whether it’s toasting marshmallows or raining down on Charlie. I stand by my racial slur. I don’t like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing, there’s too many fat children. I’ll be back. You can’t keep the Democrats out of the White House forever, and when they get in, I’m back on the streets, with all my criminal buddies.

But, Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You’re from two different worlds… Oh, I’ve wasted my life. Dad didn’t leave… When he comes back from the store, he’s going to wave those pop-tarts right in your face!

I hope I didn’t brain my damage. I didn’t think it was physically possible, but this both sucks *and* blows. …And the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.

…And the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night. Don’t kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he’d eat you and everyone you care about! What good is money if it can’t inspire terror in your fellow man? Marge, just about everything’s a sin. Y’ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we’re not supposed to go to the bathroom. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals…except the weasel.

Our differences are only skin deep, but our sames go down to the bone. How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.

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